Earth Hour? I'll give you an Earth Hour you won't soon forget!

Dear Gaea worshiping, unwashed, long haired dirty hippies,

You with your oh so long, untrimmed hair and toenails. You of the underarm hair longer than that on my head. Ladies, you know who you are. Yes, all of you stinking freaks that keep attempting to revive the sick-sties in a vain attempt to fit in somewhere.

I'm sitting here laughing my ass off at your pathetic "Earth Hour", and your latest feel good scheme to make yourselves relevant to this century.

That's right. Laughing. I'd do it in your face, but you stink. Seriously, I have to constantly restrain my dogs from either rolling in you, or burying you. I'm leaning towards letting them bury you. Although the EPA would probably bust me for creating a Superfund Site.

You pathetic tools. You seriously believe that by turning off the lights for an hour, at night on at least half the earth, that you're going to somehow have a quantifiable impact on "climate change" around the world?

Well I tell you what. Like a bad Bond villain, your plan is doomed to failure. You let it out of the bag too soon. I have gotten wind of your scheme, so to speak. Because, seriously, if I've gotten wind of you, I'm throwing up over here in the toilet. Did I mention you hippies really reek?

As you can tell from my profile, I'm a wood worker. I make furniture. Very expensive furniture that the average welfare queen will never afford. I do not apologize for this. You want cheap Soviet era quality furniture? May I suggest Ikea? It'll be in one of your hated landfills in 5 years. My stuff, 5 generations from now, your descendants will be fighting over it like a pack of hyenas. Not you, per se, but someone who can afford it.

I like using trees for the products I make. Want to know why? Because I fucking hate trees. I'll do anything it takes to remove them from the face of this earth. Rush Limbaugh says it best, "The best thing about a tree, is what you do with it after you cut it down." Damned skippy. Trees also have pollen. Makes my allergies act up something terrible. So I take their very existence personally. I will have payback for every sneezing fit I suffer. Ironic that I love living in the country, away from you suburban roaches.

So this is fitting:

So how does this all fit into your asinine "Earth Hour" you may ask?

Let me explain:

I am going to have one hell of an Earth Hour of my own. It might be so epic that it continues for more than the scheduled hour. It will depend wholly upon how long it takes the fire department to put this out:
I've been saving them for YEARS! Just for this one golden moment. Your pathetic fucking Earth Hour. I'm thinking that my celebration is going to trump yours. By a lot.

This, is where I've been getting my contribution from:

That's right. My Anti-AlGore Mobile. Yes, it has a "Suck it AlGore" bumper sticker on it. It eats fuel and tires like a crackwhore eats, well, crack.

At first, I was simply going to fill the tank with premium fuel(natch), and let it happily sit there idling all day during your retarded celebration. With all its lights on. To go with all the lights I'll have on in my house. But then I thought, hell, I never do anything half-assed, no sense starting here.

So I've decided that in the spirit of your Earth Day, I'm going to let all the trapped up and imprisoned carbon in my tire pile be free! It's all about freedom right? Well, I mean not so much from you assholes. You seem to despise basic freedoms. Anyway, I'm going to let all that carbon loose. Yep, my conscience can't let me be mean and keep it trapped, trapped in those horrible, horrible tires any longer.

I'd been hearing things about the ozone layer letting in all kinds of bad UV rays. So when the wind was right, I fired up that pile and did the only sensible thing.

I blotted out the fucking sun! Yep, that's my house under that lovely UV ray blocking column of tire fire smoke! Now, I can run around bare ass naked without worry of getting nasty skin cancers from that evil UV ray stuff. Winner!

As a bonus, this seemed to kill every single seagull, that was stupid enough to be downwind of this towering smoke inferno. I should be hearing from the people at the Nobel Peace Prize committee any day now. Shit, they gave them to AlGore, Carter, and Arafat, I'm a lock!

I even had the local fire department come down. Ah HAH! You thought they were there to put an end to this celebration. You as usual, would be horribly wrong. See, they didn't think that even me, avowed hippy hating, Anti-Earth hour despiser, had quite a big enough fire going to suit them. Half assed, they said. And made it bigger.

I'm a fire starter! A twisted fire starter!

So that's the exterior festival at my house. I think that the flames are visible from space, should do nicely to offset whatever minuscule gains your sad festivities manage to procure. For fucks sake, how many light bulbs do you idiots actually think they have in those third world countries you want participating? I'm pretty sure my efforts here will completely offset about 95% of those countries all by myself. Sri Lanka? Hell, the Anti-AlGore Mobile has more lumens than that entire country.

You people really are amateurs. Seriously, go back to the bong. Stick to your strengths, you dirty, dirty hippies.

Carbon offsets, indeed.